A Peak Into My Crazy


Great paintings don’t just happen. Well, they don’t just happen for me, anyway. That’s why its called creative “process.” If you read some of the writings from some of the greats, like Van Gogh, Picasso, etc. they often talk about the doubts and crazy emotions associated with this creative process. I totally get how Van Gogh could cut off his ear. While I haven’t considered severing body parts, I have contemplated throwing myself on the floor, taking to the bed, or drinking/shopping/spa-ing my way back to ‘happy.’ Creating is not for wimps, y’all.

So, once again I thought I’d give you a peak into my crazy, straight up coo-coo, painting process. Warning: language ahead.



I always start by writing thoughts, drawing intuitive lines, scribbling, etc. At this stage, life is full of possibilities, the sun is always gonna shine and unicorns are real. Also, as you cans see in the photo below, I originally thought I’d create a diptych. So, so naive.

Next, I intuitively grab colors that say “Pick ME, Pick ME!!” and I block them onto the canvas. Keep in mind, these canvases are fairly big…50″ x 42″. Working large like this can have some challenges like running out of the paint I’ve mixed, but these first layers are just the building blocks. Also, I spin the canvases A LOT during this stage, looking for that feeling in my gut that says YES!



I left the studio with the painting in the stage above. I was not happy with it at all, but I knew it was just a stage. Its kinda like when your teenager rolls their eyes at you: you know its just a phase but it still pisses you off. So I left the studio that day feeling like a hack and additionally, I wasn’t able to get back to the studio for 4 days, so that feeling kinda stayed with me. Hate leaving a painting in this stage, but whatcha gonna do? When I came back, you can see below that I needed a change and the painting morphed into something completely different.



I love these colors and will definitely re-visit them in a future painting, but after I painted this I was stuck. So, just so you know, when you get stuck, what you SHOULD do is simply go to another painting and work on it until you can get back to the current one. Or take a break. Or go for a run. Or eat a tub of ice cream. But nooooo…instead I just covered up this one.



Yep, this is when I want to cut my fucking ear off.

But, I like my ears. If I could cut some of my ass off…THAT I would do. But instead, I push through. I went back and tried to recover some of the previous painting, which involves too much thinking and not enough reaction to my intuition. Whenever I do this, my work loses its energy. It feel like someone else’s work. Luckily, as you can see below, I didn’t get very far.



I realize here that I can only focus on one canvas at a time. I decide to ditch the diptych idea and just be where I was. I had to go back & remember my process: grab the paint that speaks to me intuitively. Orange was what was calling to me…and incidentally, orange is also the color that relates to the Sacral Chakra…the color of creativity and feminine energy. I didn’t realize that at the time, but it makes perfect sense in hindsight.



Now, I know what you may be thinking: “not good, girl, not good.” But actually when I did this, it felt so good. It felt genuine. I felt like although it wasn’t pretty, it was real. It was the truth of where I was in that moment. I stayed with that feeling and grabbed pink to further express that feminine energy.



After wrestling with this beast for days, I found one little area, on the bottom right that I really loved and knew that all will be well. I could keep both my ears AND my rather round ars. The craziness above turned into the final expression below.



Moral of the story: Stay true to you folks! Even if you end up with one ear.

Peace Out,

“Stay True” 50 ‘x 42